I wish I could write. I think I have the potential to write, but whenever I sit down to do it, I think too much and try too hard and then stop before I ever get started.

I just wanted to get that out there.

I'm really in a tough spot right now. I feel like I'm always in a tough spot, or imagine that I am.

I can't take it anymore.

I've been sitting here trying to think of all the things I want to get off my chest.. trying to figure out a way to word everything the right way. It never comes out how I want it to.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I'm not ok. That I'm not a fake at being disordered just because I have an ok day now and then. I'm not trying to be a downer, just realistic. The part of me that feels like I'm not really "sick" has been holding me back from getter better, for 15 years. I've got to stop lying to myself and saying that there isn't really anything wrong with me. I really took a look at myself today, at how I'm living my life, or actually NOT living it and I finally broke down and sobbed about it. Sort of a mix of WTF have I done with all this time I've wasted, and thank fuck i'm finally at least seeing a glimmer of wanting to change.

Mind you, this realization comes because of the current state of my health and the fact that i'm so depressed, I haven't left the house or my bed in two weeks other than going to the doctor. Even as I write this I think well shit, i'm writing about how I'd like to be better, so I can't be THAT BAD. But I am. This isn't a normal life, this isn't living. I don't feel sad all the time, I just don't feel anything, and I honestly feel like I'm just wading around in the water until my times up. No wonder I never follow through on anything or care about anything. I'm just waiting to die. No, I'm not suicidal right now either.. but I just don't care about anything very much. I have little glimpses here and there, like at the beginning of this entry.. and here we are 5 minutes later and my motivation has all but disappeared. That right there tells me something is very wrong.

I know the new drugs won't cure me, but I hope they can at least give me the kick I need to find some discount therapy or something. I want to be fixed. I want to live a normal life.

Thank you to everyone who bothers to read this crap. I know i'm just rambling and it's stupid, but I just need to put it somewhere.

I'll end this with something I like about myself that I noticed today. I care about people. And even when I'm going through things that are completely time and emotionally engulfing, I ask how people are doing and genuinely want to know. I really like that about myself actually.

Come on Prozac. Help me.

Nutritionist....

I'm thinking of telling my nutritionist about my eating disorder. The funniest thing is that it's all in my chart.. I went to treatment in 2001, and my chart is about a foot thick with all the stuff I've had wrong. But, after treatment, I think everyone just thought I was "cured". Really, nobody really even asked me anything else about my eating disorder ever again. Maybe they thought bringing it up would bring it back? I don't know, but it baffles me that even my doctors never really brought it up. I guess I was ok with that for a long time, knowing that treatment didn't work for me pretty much at all. It was geared toward the "regular" eds.. not diabulimia whatsoever. And though I'm bulimic as well, they didn't address my diabetes at all and it was a huge part of my problem. Anyway... I'm really thinking of telling her, though I don't really know what it would do. I don't have insurance, and she can't cure me with a new meal plan. But at least I'll feel like I'm doing something to actively better myself. I don't want to lose my vision, a kidney, a foot... I wish I could just go to treatment again now that i'm ready, I really want to beat this before it beats me. But money is everything apparently. And I cannot stop it on my own, I have 14 years under my belt to prove that.