This isn't crazy, it's just me.

Do we ever actually know ourselves?
It really seems like each time I've ever thought I figured myself out, or part of myself at least, I find out I have no idea again. As usual.
It's like happiness (whatever that means to anyone) is always elusive. And when I find what I thought was it.. it turns out to be something else that is out of reach. I know it's good to have goals, but really? Is happiness something I'll never actually achieve? Is it always going to be the carrot being dangled in front of my face? Or is it all just in my mind.. do I want to be just "almost" happy forever? It is already getting old, I can't imagine just chasing happiness for the rest of my life. That's damn depressing. I have all the basics to be quite content (almost) and should just be ok with it. But I'm always looking for a better opportunity. WHY!?!?!

I hate that I won't let myself be happy. I just don't think I'm capable and I don't know how to fix that.

Friends are hard to come by.

It's really an eye opener when you don't like any of your friends... I am finally feeling like going out and doing something after a week and a half of being sicker than sick.. and I find myself not really wanting to go with anyone who wants to go with me. I would really love for my cat to not be so deathly afraid of the wind blowing.. I would put him in my bag and take him out with me. Yes, I have become a sad cat lady.

I tend to surround myself with the people mentioned in the previous entry.. ones who incessantly talk about themselves, sort of nod when I try to mention something, then continue on with more of their boring drama.. that really isn't drama at all. Stories of how they had to work 7 hours this week or the 100 dollars they pay in rent is just so much money.. UGH. I wish it wasn't so fucking hard to make friends that are worthwhile.. and to be honest I don't really have the patience to make friends at all. It's like dating. Can we just get past the whole "get to know each other" phase and get to the "i'm getting a beer out of your fridge without asking" phase? Please?

I'm going fucking stir crazy, I've only been out of the house to go to school in the past week and not out of my room at all for the last two days, with the blinds drawn of course. I need to feel alive again, and it's not going to happen in this apartment.

I'm putting an ad up on Craigslist for friends. I'm fucking pathetic.

Out of control

When in this life will everything be clear and honest and appear just as it is. I'm tired of everything being foggy and feeling shaky and unsure. When will I look at something and just KNOW that is is toxic to me, without that little voice in the back of my head whispering that it might not be just this once. That I should try it because life is about taking risks and if I don't give everything at least a chance (or 50) I will regret it.

Why do I give more of myself to others than I do to myself? When will I stop feeling like I need to help EVERYONE, and drain all of my energy, thinking I might get some love and care in return, when that never happens. I know you aren't supposed to give anyone anything and expect something in return, but sometimes my tank just runs out when nobody even attempts to fill it. And at the end of the day, I'm just too exhausted to do that for myself.

This is sort of a realization post. I wish I could trust in things.. just have faith, but I don't know if that will ever happen. I don't want to be taken advantage of.
I don't even trust myself.. and that's probably where the problem begins.

Lots of work ahead.. and I'm okay with that.

I just realized I started this blog back in 2005, and well... my entries from then are a little scarce and vague. I remember what was going on then though, and am so thankful I've narrowed down my crazy a bit.

That's the thing about journaling, you can't really be 100% honest unless you are prepared for everyone ever to know everything about yourself. Online is one thing, but especially if you actually have a journal in book form. There is something so special about actually writing your thoughts, then coming back later to see that you put all that effort into spilling your heart onto those pages. However, Somebody always finds it and reads it, knowing they should have never touched the one thing that is most precious to you. I've had to throw out all the thousands of pages I wrote, after being read by somebody who shouldn't have and then almost ruining my life. Yes, pretty much lovely.

I've told myself I would write about my life and what-have-you for, well, pretty much my whole existence.. so maybe I should start. I probably won't, but I want to, so I guess that's a step in the right direction. I tell myself that every January first. Wow, I've had the same New Year's resolution forever and I've never followed through. That's not really a surprise.

So, here goes...it might be a stress relief to write about something that doesn't have to do with a research paper for once.

Cheers.