It's Thanksgiving.

But I've retreated so far into myself that I don't care.

The mere thought of having to shower and get dressed/ready for the schedule full of nothing I have to do today, is just completely overwhelming.

I spent Sunday with the boy's very immediate family. They rearrange the days and celebrate early, because boy's brother has to work today. And he might quit his job if he has to work a holiday. He's done it before. So the whole family has to panic and check calendars and make phone calls, because nobody wants drunky drunk to have any excuse whatsoever to quit his job. He will find one, because that's what he does. He's done it before. But if we don't move the holidays around for him, it would be all our fault when he quits, and not his. It didn't feel like Thanksgiving at all, tensions were running high and the Boy's mom didn't want to have it all, but felt obligated to. She cried while cooking and nobody knew what to do. I know what I wanted to do. Run away.

There are no plans in my family, that I know of. But how would I? I got a text this morning from my mom (aunt), that says "Happy Thanksgiving!!" and I'm sure that's all I will hear. I'm still not quite over her telling me I'm not a part of her family, and that I'm selfish in her drug induced craziness. It's getting easier for me to distance myself now. Or at least I tell myself it is. I expect it to happen in all my relationships, so I'm getting better at not getting so attached. This one still really stings though.

I send out the "Have a lovely Thanksgiving" emails and texts, and I do mean it, but I don't feel anything. I know if I let myself, I would just end up being upset and sad that I don't have a family that cares.

I used to love the holidays, especially Christmas. And now that I look back on it, it's not because the holidays were ever good. But it did give me an excuse to pretend things were. I could sit in front of the lights on the tree in the dark, and pretend things were magical. I didn't know at the time I was faking it. But I always was. Now that I'm older, and more "experienced", I know that there is no long, fantastical wait for Christmas. That it comes in the blink of an eye, and it is just an above average time for disappointment. Another great big reminder that I'm more alone than I lie to myself about all the rest of the year. When everyone else is talking about being with family and friends, and I have to deal with it being smashed into my face that I lack all these things. That I lack everything.

I try to tell myself that all the stuff I'm missing is overrated, that the more people I have to care about, the more chances I have to hurt when something happens to them or the relationships I have with them. I try SO hard to detach myself and not care, but it's really not in my nature. I am sensitive. Overly so a lot of the time. I can't really make myself believe that I don't need anyone. I do. I really do.

I will still put up lights and try to enjoy them, and hopefully a tree.

I want to enjoy the next month of the holiday season, I just need to find that thing that gets people out of bed and out into the world.

It just takes so. much. energy.